the book of snobs-第30节

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in　the　newspapers；　just　as　we　have　the　Police　Courts　and

the　Court　News　at　present。　　When　a　flagrant　case　of　bone…

crushing　or　Poor…law　abuse　occurs　in　the　world；　who　so

eloquent　as　THE　TIMES　to　point　it　out？　　When　a　gross

instance　of　Snobbishness　happens；　why　should　not　the

indignant　journalist　call　the　public　attention　to　that

delinquency　too？



How；　for　instance；　could　that　wonderful　case　of　the　Earl

of　Mangelwurzel　and　his　brother　be　examined　in　the

Snobbish　point　of　view？　　Let　alone　the　hectoring；　the

bullying；　the　vapouring；　the　bad　grammar；　the　mutual

recriminations；　lie…givings；　challenges；　retractations；

which　abound　in　the　fraternal　disputeput　out　of　the

question　these　points　as　concerning　the　individual

nobleman　and　his　relative；　with　whose　personal　affairs　we

have　nothing　to　doand　consider　how　intimately　corrupt；

how　habitually　grovelling　and　mean；　how　entirely　Snobbish

in　a　word；　a　whole　county　must　be　which　can　find　no

better　chiefs　or　leaders　than　these　two　gentlemen。　　'We

don't　want；'　the　great　county　of　Mangelwurzelshire　seems

to　say；　'that　a　man　should　be　able　to　write　good　grammar；

or　that　he　should　keep　a　Christian　tongue　in　his　head；　or

that　he　should　have　the　commonest　decency　of　temper；　or

even　a　fair　share　of　good　sense；　in　order　to　represent　us

in　Parliament。



All　we　require　is；　that　a　man　should　be　recommended　to　us

by　the　Earl　of　Mangelwurzelshire。　　And　all　that　we

require　of　the　Earl　of　Mangelwurzelshire　is　that　he

should　have　fifty　thousand　a　year　and　hunt　the　country。'

O　you　pride　of　all　Snobland！　　O　you　crawling；　truckling；

self…confessed　lackeys　and　parasites！



But　this　is　growing　too　savage：　don't　let　us　forget　our

usual　amenity；　and　that　tone　of　playfulness　and　sentiment

with　which　the　beloved　reader　and　writer　have　pursued

their　mutual　reflections　hitherto。　　Well；　Snobbishness

pervades　the　little　Social　Farce　as　well　as　the　great

State　Comedy；　and　the　self…same　moral　is　tacked　to

either。



There　was；　for　instance；　an　account　in　the　papers　of　a

young　lady　who；　misled　by　a　fortune…teller；　actually　went

part　of　the　way　to　India　（as　far　as　Bagnigge　Wells；　I

think；）　in　search　of　a　husband　who　was　promised　her

there。　　Do　you　suppose　this　poor　deluded　little　soul

would　have　left　her　shop　for　a　man　below　her　in　rank；　or

for　anything　but　a　darling　of　a　Captain　in　epaulets　and　a

red　coat。　　It　was　her　Snobbish　sentiment　that　misled　her；

and　made　her　vanities　a　prey　to　the　swindling　fortune…

teller。



Case　2　was　that　of　Mademoiselle　de　Saugrenue；　'the

interesting　young　Frenchwoman　with　a　profusion　of　jetty

ringlets；'　who　lived　for　nothing　at　a　boardinghouse　at

Gosport；　was　then　conveyed　to　Fareham　gratis：　and　being

there；　and　lying　on　the　bed　of　the　good　old　lady　her

entertainer；　the　dear　girl　took　occasion　to　rip　open　the

mattress；　and　steal　a　cash…box；　with　which　she　fled　to

London。　　How　would　you　account　for　the　prodigious

benevolence　exercised　towards　the　interesting　young

French　lady？　　Was　it　her　jetty　ringlets　or　her　charming

face？Bah！　　Do　ladies　love　others　for　having　faces　and

black　hair？she　said　SHE　WAS　A　RELATION　OF　de　Saugrenue：

talked　of　her　ladyship　her　aunt；　and　of　herself　as　a　De

Saugrenue。　　The　honest　boarding…house　people　were　at　her

feet　at　once。　　Good；　honest；　simple；　lord…loving　children

of　Snobland。



Finally；　there　was　the　case　of　'the　Right　Honourable　Mr。

Vernon；'　at　York。　　The　Right　Honourable　was　the　son　of　a

nobleman；　and　practised　on　an　old　lady。　　He　procured　from

her　dinners；　money；　wearing…apparel；　spoons；　implicit

credence；　and　an　entire　refit　of　linen。　　Then　he　cast　his

nets　over　a　family　of　father；　mother；　and　daughters；　one

of　whom　he　proposed　to　marry。　　The　father　lent　him　money；

the　mother　made　jams　and　pickles　for　him；　the　daughters

vied　with　each　other　in　cooking　dinners　for　the　Right

Honourableand　what　was　the　end？　　One　day　the　traitor

fled；　with　a　teapot　and　a　basketful　of　cold　victuals。　　It

was　the　'Right　Honourable'　which　baited　the　hook　which

gorged　all　these　greedy；　simple　Snobs。　　Would　they　have

been　taken　in　by　a　commoner？　　What　old　lady　is　there；　my

dear　sir；　who　would　take　in　you　and　me；　were　we　ever　so

ill　to　do；　and　comfort　us；　and　clothe　us；　and　give　us　her

money；　and　her　silver　forks？　　Alas　and　alas！　what　mortal

man　that　speaks　the　truth　can　hope　for　such　a　landlady？

And　yet；　all　these　instances　of　fond　and　credulous

Snobbishness　have　occurred　in　the　same　week's　paper；　with

who　knows　how　many　score　more？



Just　as　we　had　concluded　the　above　remarks　comes　a　pretty

little　note　sealed　with　a　pretty　little　butterfly

bearing　a　northern　postmarkand　to　the　following

effect：…



'19th　November。



'Mr。　Punch；'Taking　great　interest　in　your　Snob　Papers；

we　are　very　anxious　to　know　under　what　class　of　that

respectable　fraternity　you　would　designate　us。



'We　are　three　sisters；　from　seventeen　to　twenty…two。　　Our

father　is　HONESTLY　AND　TRULY　of　a　very　good　family　（you

will　say　it　is　Snobbish　to　mention　that；　but　I　wish　to

state　the　plain　fact）；　our　maternal　grandfather　was　an

Earl。'　（1）



'We　CAN　afford　to　take　in　a　stamped　edition　of　YOU；　and

all　Dickens'　works　as　fast　as　they　come　out；　but　we　do

NOT　keep　such　a　thing　as　a　PEERAGE　or　even　a　BARONETAGE

in　the　house。



'We　live　with　every　comfort；　excellent　cellar；　&c。　&c。；

but　as　we　cannot　well　afford　a　butler；　we　have　a　neat

table…maid　（though　our　father　was　a　military　man；　has

travelled　much；　been　in　the　best　society；　&c。）　　We　HAVE　a

coachman　and　helper；　but　we　don't　put　the　latter　into

buttons；　nor　make　them　wait　at　table；　like　Stripes　and

Tummus。'　（2）



'We　are　just　the　same　to　persons　with　a　handle　to　their

name　as　to　those　without　it。　　We　wear　a　moderate　modicum

of　crinoline；　（3）and　are　never　limp　（4）　in　the　morning。

We　have　good　and　abundant　dinners　on　CHINA　（though　we

have　plate　（5）；　and　just　as　good　when　alone　as　with

company。



'Now；　my　dear　MR。　PUNCH；　will　you　PLEASE　give　us　a　short

answer　in　your　next　number；　and　I　will　be　SO　much　obliged

to　you。　　Nobody　knows　we　are　writing　to　you；　not　even　our

father；　nor　will　we　ever　tease　（6）　you　again　if　you　will

only　give　us　an　answerjust　for　FUN；　now　do！



'If　you　get　as　far　as　this；　which　is　doubtful；　you　will

probably　fling　it　into　the　fire。　　If　you　do；　I　cannot

help　it；　but　I　am　of　a　sanguine　disposition；　and

entertain　a　lingering　hope。　　At　all　events；　I　shall　be

impatient　for　next　Sunday；　for　you　reach　us　on　that　day；

and　I　am　ashamed　to　confess；　we　CANNOT　resist　opening　you

in　the　carriage　driving　home　from　church。　（7）



'I　remain；　&c。　&c。；　for　myself　and　sisters。



Excuse　this　scrawl；　but　I　always　write　headlong。　（8）



'P。　S。You　were　rather　stupid　last　week；　don't　you

think？　（9）　　We　keep　no　gamekeeper；　and　yet　have　always

abundant　game　for　friends　to　shoot；　in　spite　of　the

poachers。　　We　never　write　on　perfumed　paperin　short；　I

can't　help　thinking　that　if　you　knew　us　you　would　not

think　us　Snobs。'



To　this　I　reply　in　the　following　manner：'My　dear　young

ladies；　I　know　your　post…town：　and　shall　be　at　church

there　the　Sunday　AFTER　next；　when；　will　you　please　to

wear　a　tulip　or　some　little　trifle　in　your　bonnets；　so

that　I　may　know　you？　　You　will　recognize　me　and　my　dress…

…a　quiet…looking　young　fellow；　in　a　white　top…coat；　a

crimson　satin　neckcloth；　light　blue　trousers；　with　glossy

tipped　boots；　and　an　emerald　breast…pin。　　I　shall　have　a

black　crape　round　my　white　hat；　and　my　usual　bamboo　cane

with　the　richly…gilt　knob。　　I　am　sorry　there　will　be　no

time　to　get　up　moustaches　between　now　and　next　week。



'From　seventeen　to　two…and…twenty！　　Ye　gods！　what　ages！

Dear　young　creatures；　I　can　see　you　all　three。　　Seventeen

suits　me；　as　nearest　my　own　time　of　life；　but　mind；　I

don't　say　two…and…twenty　is　too　old。　　No；　no。　　And　that

pretty；　roguish；　demure；　middle　one。　　Peace；　peace；　thou

silly　little　fluttering　heart！



'YOU　Snobs；　dear　young　ladies！　　I　will　pull　any　man's

nose　who　says　so。　　There　is　no　harm　in　being　of　a　good

family。　　You　can't　help　it；　poor　dears。　　What's　in　a

name？　　What　is　in　a　handle　to　it？　　I　confess　openly　that

I　should　not　object　to　being　a　Duke　myself；　and　between

ourselves　you　might　see　a　worse　leg　for　a　garter。



'YOU　Snobs；　dear　little　good…natured　things；　no　that　is；

I　hope　notI　think　notI　won't　be　too　confidentnone

of　us　should　bethat　we　are　not　Snobs。　　That　very

confidence　savours　of　arrogance；　and　to　be　arrogant　is　to

be　a　Snob。　　In　all　the　social　gradations　from　sneak　to

tyrant；　nature　has　placed　a　most　wondrous　and　various

progeny　of　Snobs。　　But　are　there　no　kindly　natures；　no

tender　hearts；　no　souls　humble；　simple；　and　truth…loving？

Ponder　well　on　this　question；　sweet　young　ladies。　　And　if

you　can　answer　it；　as　no　doubt　you　canlucky　are　you

and　lucky　the　respected　Herr　Papa；　and　lucky　the　three

handsome　yo