the book of snobs-第29节

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Lady　Rose　talked　literature；　and　about　the　book…club　at

Guttlebury；　and　is　very　strong　in　voyages　and　travels。

She　has　a　prodigious　interest　in　Borneo；　and　displayed　a

knowledge　of　the　history　of　the　Punjaub　and　Kaffirland

that　does　credit　to　her　memory。　　Old　General　Sago；　who

sat　perfectly　silent　and　plethoric；　roused　up　as　from　a

lethargy　when　the　former　country　was　mentioned；　and　gave

the　company　his　story　about　a　hog…hunt　at　Ramjugger。　　I

observed　her　ladyship　treated　with　something　like

contempt　her　neighbour　the　Reverend　Lionel　Pettipois；　a

young　divine　whom　you　may　track　through　the　country　by

little　'awakening'　books　at　half…a…crown　a　hundred；　which

dribble　out　of　his　pockets　wherever　he　goes。　　I　saw　him

give　Miss　Wirt　a　sheaf　of　'The　Little　Washer…woman　on

Putney　Common；'　and　to　Miss　Hawbuck　a　couple　of　dozen　of

'Meat　in　the　Tray；　or　the　Young　Butcher…boy　Rescued；'　and

on　paying　a　visit　to　Guttlebury　gaol；　I　saw　two　notorious

fellows　waiting　their　trial　there　（and　temporarily

occupied　with　a　game　of　cribbage）；　to　whom　his　Reverence

offered　a　tract　as　he　was　walking　over　Crackshins　Common；

and　who　robbed　him　of　his　purse；　umbrella；　and　cambric

handkerchief；　leaving　him　the　tracts　to　distribute

elsewhere。







CHAPTER　XXXI



A　VISIT　TO　SOME　COUNTRY　SNOBS



'Why；　dear　Mr。　Snob；'　said　a　young　lady　of　rank　and

fashion　（to　whom　I　present　my　best　compliments）；　'if　you

found　everything　so　SNOBBISH　at　the　Evergreens；　if　the

pig　bored　you　and　the　mutton　was　not　to　your　liking；　and

Mrs。　Ponto　was　a　humbug；　and　Miss　Wirt　a　nuisance；　with

her　abominable　piano　practice；why　did　you　stay　so

long？'



Ah；　Miss；　what　a　question！　　Have　you　never　heard　of

gallant　British　soldiers　storming　batteries；　of　doctors

passing　nights　in　plague　wards　of　lazarettos；　and　other

instances　of　martyrdom？　　What　do　you　suppose　induced

gentlemen　to　walk　two　miles　up　to　the　batteries　of

Sabroan；　with　a　hundred　and　fifty　thundering　guns　bowling

them　down　by　hundreds？not　pleasure；　surely。　　What

causes　your　respected　father　to　quit　his　comfortable　home

for　his　chambers；　after　dinner；　and　pore　over　the　most

dreary　law　papers　until　long　past　midnight？；

Mademoiselle；　duty；　which　must　be　done　alike　by　military；

or　legal；　or　literary　gents。　　There's　a　power　of

martyrdom　in　our　profession。



You　won't　believe　it？　　Your　rosy　lips　assume　a　smile　of

incredulitya　most　naughty　and　odious　expression　in　a

young　lady's　face。　　Well；　then；　the　fact　is；　that　my

chambers；　No。　24；　Pump　Court；　Temple；　were　being　painted

by　the　Honourable　Society；　and　Mrs。　Slamkin；　my

laundress；　having　occasion　to　go　into　Durham　to　see　her

daughter；　who　is　married；　and　has　presented　her　with　the

sweetest　little　grandsona　few　weeks　could　not　be　better

spent　than　in　rusticating。　　But　ah；　how　delightful　Pump

Court　looked　when　I　revisited　its　well…known　chimney…

pots！　　CARI　LUOGHI。　　Welcome；　welcome；　O　fog　and　smut！



But　if　you　think　there　is　no　moral　in　the　foregoing

account　of　the　Pontine　family；　you　are；　Madam；　most

painfully　mistaken。　　In　this　very　chapter　we　are　going　to

have　the　moralwhy；　the　whole　of　the　papers　are　nothing

BUT　the　moral；　setting　forth　as　they　do　the　folly　of

being　a　Snob。



You　will　remark　that　in　the　Country　Snobography　my　poor

friend　Ponto　has　been　held　up　almost　exclusively　for　the

public　gazeand　why？　　Because　we　went　to　no　other　house？

Because　other　families　did　not　welcome　us　to　their

mahogany？　　No；　no。　　Sir　John　Hawbuck　of　the　Haws；　Sir

John　Hipsley　of　Briary　Hall；　don't　shut　the　gates　of

hospitality：　of　General　Sago's　mulligatawny　I　could　speak

from　experience。　　And　the　two　old　ladies　at　Guttlebury；

were　they　nothing？　　Do　you　suppose　that　an　agreeable

young　dog；　who　shall　be　nameless；　would　not　be　made

welcome？　　Don't　you　know　that　people　are　too　glad　to　see

ANYBODY　in　the　country？



But　those　dignified　personages　do　not　enter　into　the

scheme　of　the　present　work；　and　are　but　minor　characters

of　our　Snob　drama；　just　as；　in　the　play；　kings　and

emperors　are　not　half　so　important　as　many　humble

persons。　　The　DOGE　OF　VENICE；　for　instance；　gives　way　to

OTHELLO；　who　is　but　a　nigger；　and　the　KING　OF　FRANCE　to

FALCONBRIDGE；　who　is　a　gentleman　of　positively　no　birth

at　all。　　So　with　the　exalted　characters　above　mentioned。

I　perfectly　well　recollect　that　the　claret　at　Hawbuck's

was　not　by　any　means　so　good　as　that　of　Hipsley's；　while；

on　the　contrary；　some　white　hermitage　at　the　Haws　（by　the

way；　the　butler　only　gave　me　half　a　glass　each　time）　was

supernacular。　　And　I　remember　the　conversations。　　O

Madam；　Madam；　how　stupid　they　were！　　The　subsoil

ploughing；　the　pheasants　and　poaching；　the　row　about　the

representation　of　the　county；　the　Earl　of

Mangelwurzelshire　being　at　variance　with　his　relative　and

nominee；　the　Honourable　Marmaduke　Tomnoddy；　all　these　I

could　put　down；　had　I　a　mind　to　violate　the　confidence　of

private　life；　and　a　great　deal　of　conversation　about　the

weather；　the　Mangelwurzelshire　Hunt；　new　manures；　and

eating　and　drinking；　of　course。



But　CUI　BONO？　　In　these　perfectly　stupid　and　honourable

families　there　is　not　that　Snobbishness　which　it　is　our

purpose　to　expose。　　An　ox　is　an　oxa　great　hulking；　fat…

sided；　bellowing；　munching　Beef。　　He　ruminates　according

to　his　nature；　and　consumes　his　destined　portion　of

turnips　or　oilcake；　until　the　time　comes　for　his

disappearance　from　the　pastures；　to　be　succeeded　by　other

deep…lunged　and　fat…ribbed　animals。　　Perhaps　we　do　not

respect　an　ox。　　We　rather　acquiesce　in　him。　　The　Snob；　my

dear　Madam；　is　the　Frog　that　tries　to　swell　himself　to　ox

size。　　Let　us　pelt　the　silly　brute　out　of　his　folly。



Look；　I　pray　you；　at　the　case　of　my　unfortunate　friend

Ponto；　a　good…natured；　kindly　English　gentlemannot

over…wise；　but　quite　passablefond　of　port…wine；　of　his

family；　of　country　sports　and　agriculture；　hospitably

minded；　with　as　pretty　a　little　patrimonial　country…house

as　heart　can　desire；　and　a　thousand　pounds　a　year。　　It　is

not　much；　but；　ENTRE　NOUS；　people　can　live　for　less；　and

not　uncomfortably。



For　instance；　there　is　the　doctor；　whom　Mrs。　P。　does　not

condescend　to　visit：　that　man　educates　a　mirific　family；

and　is　loved　by　the　poor　for　miles　round：　and　gives　them

port…wine　for　physic　and　medicine；　gratis。　　And　how　those

people　can　get　on　with　their　pittance；　as　Mrs。　Ponto

says；　is　a　wonder　to　HER。



Again；　there　is　the　clergyman；　Doctor　Chrysostom；　Mrs。

P。　says　they　quarrelled　about　Puseyism；　but　I　am　given　to

understand　it　was　because　Mrs。　C。　had　the　PAS　of　her　at

the　Hawsyou　may　see　what　the　value　of　his　living　is　any

day　in　the　'Clerical　Guide；'　but　you　don't　know　what　he

gives　away。



Even　Pettipois　allows　that；　in　whose　eyes　the　Doctor's

surplice　is　a　scarlet　abomination；　and　so　does　Pettipois

do　his　duty　in　his　way；　and　administer　not　only　his

tracts　and　his　talk；　but　his　money　and　his　means　to　his

people。　　As　a　lord's　son；　by　the　way；　Mrs。　Ponto　is

uncommonly　anxious　that　he　should　marry　EITHER　of　the

girls　whom　Lord　Gules　does　not　intend　to　choose。



Well；　although　Pon's　income　would　make　up　almost　as　much

as　that　of　these　three　worthies　put　together　oh；　my

dear　Madam；　see　in　what　hopeless　penury　the　poor　fellow

lives！　　What　tenant　can　look　to　HIS　forbearance？　　What

poor　man　can　hope　for　HIS　charity？　　'Master's　the　best　of

men；'　honest　Stripes　says；　'and　when　we　was　in　the

ridgment　a　more　free…handed　chap　didn't　live。　　But　the

way　in　which　Missus　DU　scryou；　I　wonder　the　young　ladies

is　alive；　that　I　du！'



They　live　upon　a　fine　governess　and　fine　masters；　and

have　clothes　made　by　Lady　Carabas's　own　milliner；　and

their　brother　rides　with　earls　to　cover；　and　only　the

best　people　in　the　county　visit　at　the　Evergreens；　and

Mrs。　Ponto　thinks　herself　a　paragon　of　wives　and　mothers；

and　a　wonder　of　the　world；　for　doing　all　this　misery　and

humbug；　and　snobbishness；　on　a　thousand　a　year。



What　an　inexpressible　comfort　it　was；　my　dear　Madam；　when

Stripes　put　my　portmanteau　in　the　four…wheeled　chaise；

and　（poor　P　on　being　touched　with　sciatica）　drove　me　over

to　'Carabas　Arms'　at　Guttlebury；　where　we　took　leave。

There　were　some　bagmen　there　in　the　Commercial　Room；　and

one　talked　about　the　house　he　represented；　and　another

about　his　dinner；　and　a　third　about　the　Inns　on　the　road；

and　so　fortha　talk；　not　very　wise；　but　honest　and　to

the　purposeabout　as　good　as　that　of　the　country

gentlemen：　and　oh；　how　much　pleasanter　than　listening　to

Miss　Wirt's　show…pieces　on　the　piano；　and　Mrs。　Ponto's

genteel　cackle　about　the　fashion　and　the　county　families！







CHAPTER　XXXII



SNOBBIUM　GATHERUM



WHEN　I　see　the　great　effect　which　these　papers　are

producing　on　an　intelligent　public；　I　have　a　strong　hope

that　before　long　we　shall　have　a　regular　Snob　department

in　the　newspapers；　just　as　we　have　the　Police　Co