the book of snobs-第2节

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cut　direct　that　night　at　the　Duchess　of　Monte　Fiasco's

ball。



Everybody　at　Naples　remarked　the　separation　of　the　Damon

and　Pythiasindeed；　Marrowfat　had　saved　my　life　more

than　oncebut；　as　an　English　gentleman；　what　was　I　to

do？



My　dear　friend　was；　in　this　instance；　the　Snob　RELATIVE。

It　is　not　snobbish　of　persons　of　rank　of　any　other　nation

to　employ　their　knife　in　the　manner　alluded　to。　　I　have

seen　Monte　Fiasco　clean　his　trencher　with　his　knife；　and

every　Principe　in　company　doing　likewise。　　I　have　seen；

at　the　hospitable　board　of　H。I。H。　the　Grand　Duchess

Stephanie　of　Baden（who；　if　these　humble　lines　should

come　under　her　Imperial　eyes；　is　besought　to　remember

graciously　the　most　devoted　of　her　servants）I　have

seen；　I　say；　the　Hereditary　Princess　of　Potztausend…

Donnerwetter　（that　serenely…beautiful　woman）　use　her

knife　in　lieu　of　a　fork　or　spoon；　I　have　seen　her　almost

swallow　it；　by　Jove！　like　Ramo　Samee；　the　Indian　juggler。

And　did　I　blench？　　Did　my　estimation　for　the　Princess

diminish？　　No；　lovely　Amalia！　　One　of　the　truest　passions

that　ever　was　inspired　by　woman　was　raised　in　this　bosom

by　that　lady。　　Beautiful　one！　long；　long　may　the　knife

carry　food　to　those　lips！　the　reddest　and　loveliest　in

the　world！



The　cause　of　my　quarrel　with　Marrowfat　I　never　breathed

to　mortal　soul　for　four　years。　　We　met　in　the　halls　of

the　aristocracyour　friends　and　relatives。　　We　jostled

each　other　in　the　dance　or　at　the　board；　but　the

estrangement　continued；　and　seemed　irrevocable；　until　the

fourth　of　June；　last　year。



We　met　at　Sir　George　Golloper's。　　We　were　placed；　he　on

the　right；　your　humble　servant　on　the　left　of　the

admirable　Lady　G。。　　Peas　formed　part　of　the　banquet

ducks　and　green　peas。　　I　trembled　as　I　saw　Marrowfat

helped；　and　turned　away　sickening；　lest　I　should　behold

the　weapon　darting　down　his　horrid　jaws。



What　was　my　astonishment；　what　my　delight；　when　I　saw　him

use　his　fork　like　any　other　Christian！　　He　did　not

administer　the　cold　steel　once。　　Old　times　rushed　back

upon　methe　remembrance　of　old　serviceshis　rescuing　me

from　the　brigandshis　gallant　conduct　in　the　affair　with

the　Countess　Dei　Spinachihis　lending　me　the　1；700L。　　I

almost　burst　into　tears　with　joymy　voice　trembled　with

emotion。　　'George；　my　boy！'　I　exclaimed；　'George

Marrowfat；　my　dear　fellow！　a　glass　of　wine！'



Blushingdeeply　movedalmost　as　tremulous　as　I　was

myself；　George　answered；　'FRANK；　SHALL　IT　BE　HOCK　OR

MADEIRA？　　I　could　have　hugged　him　to　my　heart　but　for　the

presence　of　the　company。　　Little　did　Lady　Golloper　know

what　was　the　cause　of　the　emotion　which　sent　the　duckling

I　was　carving　into　her　ladyship's　pink　satin　lap。　　The

most　good…natured　of　women　pardoned　the　error；　and　the

butler　removed　the　bird。



We　have　been　the　closest　friends　over　since；　nor；　of

course；　has　George　repeated　his　odious　habit。　　He

acquired　it　at　a　country　school；　where　they　cultivated

peas　and　only　used　two…pronged　forks；　and　it　was　only　by

living　on　the　Continent　where　the　usage　of　the　four…prong

is　general；　that　he　lost　the　horrible　custom。



In　this　pointand　in　this　onlyI　confess　myself　a

member　of　the　Silver…Fork　School；　and　if　this　tale　but

induce　one　of　my　readers　to　pause；　to　examine　in　his　own

mind　solemnly；　and　ask；　'Do　I　or　do　I　not　eat　peas　with　a

knife？'to　see　the　ruin　which　may　fall　upon　himself　by

continuing　the　practice；　or　his　family　by　beholding　the

example；　these　lines　will　not　have　been　written　in　vain。

And　now；　whatever　other　authors　may　be；　I　flatter　myself；

it　will　be　allowed　that　I；　at　least；　am　a　moral　man。



By　the　way；　as　some　readers　are　dull　of　comprehension；　I

may　as　well　say　what　the　moral　of　this　history　is。　　The

moral　is　thisSociety　having　ordained　certain　customs；

men　are　bound　to　obey　the　law　of　society；　and　conform　to

its　harmless　orders。



If　I　should　go　to　the　British　and　Foreign　Institute　（and

heaven　forbid　I　should　go　under　any　pretext　or　in　any

costume　whatever）if　I　should　go　to　one　of　the　tea…

parties　in　a　dressing…gown　and　slippers；　and　not　in　the

usual　attire　of　a　gentleman；　viz；　pumps；　a　gold

waistcoat；　a　crush　hat；　a　sham　frill；　and　a　white　choker…

…I　should　be　insulting　society；　and　EATING　PEASE　WITH　MY

KNIFE。　　Let　the　porters　of　the　Institute　hustle　out　the

individual　who　shall　so　offend。　　Such　an　offender　is；　as

regards　society；　a　most　emphatical　and　refractory　Snob。

It　has　its　code　and　police　as　well　as　governments；　and　he

must　conform　who　would　profit　by　the　decrees　set　forth

for　their　common　comfort。



I　am　naturally　averse　to　egotism；　and　hate　selflaudation

consumedly；　but　I　can't　help　relating　here　a　circumstance

illustrative　of　the　point　in　question；　in　which　I　must

think　I　acted　with　considerable　prudence。



Being　at　Constantinople　a　few　years　since（on　a　delicate

mission）；the　Russians　were　playing　a　double　game；

between　ourselves；　and　it　became　necessary　on　our　part　to

employ　an　EXTRA　NEGOTIATORLeckerbiss　Pasha　of　Roumelia；

then　Chief　Galeongee　of　the　Porte；　gave　a　diplomatic

banquet　at　his　summer　palace　at　Bujukdere。　　I　was　on　the

left　of　the　Galeongee；　and　the　Russian　agent；　Count　de

Diddloff；　on　his　dexter　side。　　Diddloff　is　a　dandy　who

would　die　of　a　rose　in　aromatic　pain：　he　had　tried　to

have　me　assassinated　three　times　in　the　course　of　the

negotiation；　but　of　course　we　were　friends　in　public；　and

saluted　each　other　in　the　most　cordial　and　charming

manner。



The　Galeongee　isor　was；　alas！　for　a　bow…string　has　done

for　hima　staunch　supporter　of　the　old　school　of　Turkish

politics。　　We　dined　with　our　fingers；　and　had　flaps　of

bread　for　plates；　the　only　innovation　he　admitted　was　the

use　of　European　liquors；　in　which　he　indulged　with　great

gusto。　　　He　was　an　enormous　eater。　　Amongst　the　dishes　a

very　large　one　was　placed　before　him　of　a　lamb　dressed　in

its　wool；　stuffed　with　prunes；　garlic；　assafoetida；

capsicums；　and　other　condiments；　the　most　abominable

mixture　that　ever　mortal　smelt　or　tasted。　　The　Galeongee

ate　of　this　hugely；　and　pursuing　the　Eastern　fashion；

insisted　on　helping　his　friends　right　and　left；　and　when

he　came　to　a　particularly　spicy　morsel；　would　push　it

with　his　own　hands　into　his　guests'　very　mouths。



I　never　shall　forget　the　look　of　poor　Diddloff；　when　his

Excellency；　rolling　up　a　large　quantity　of　this　into　a

ball　and　exclaiming；　'Buk　Buk'　（it　is　very　good）；

administered　the　horrible　bolus　to　Diddloff。　　　The

Russian's　eyes　rolled　dreadfully　as　he　received　it：　he

swallowed　it　with　a　grimace　that　I　thought　must　precede　a

convulsion；　and　seizing　a　bottle　next　him；　which　he

thought　was　Sauterne；　but　which　turned　out　to　be　French

brandy；　he　drank　off　nearly　a　pint　before　he　know　his

error。　　It　finished　him；　he　was　carried　away　from　the

dining…room　almost　dead；　and　laid　out　to　cool　in　a

summer…house　on　the　Bosphorus。



When　it　came　to　my　turn；　I　took　down　the　condiment　with　a

smile；　said　'Bismillah；'　licked　my　lips　with　easy

gratification；　and　when　the　next　dish　was　served；　made　up

a　ball　myself　so　dexterously；　and　popped　it　down　the　old

Galeongee's　mouth　with　so　much　grace；　that　his　heart　was

won。　　Russia　was　put　out　of　court　at　once　and　THE　TREATY

of　Kabobanople　WAS　SIGNED。　　As　for　Diddloff；　all　was　over

with　HIM：　he　was　recalled　to　St。　Petersburg；　and　Sir

Roderick　Murchison　saw　him；　under　the　No。　3967；　working

in　the　Ural　mines。



The　moral　of　this　tale；　I　need　not　say；　is；　that　there

are　many　disagreeable　things　in　society　which　you　are

bound　to　take　down；　and　to　do　so　with　a　smiling　face。







CHAPTER　II



THE　SNOB　ROYAL



Long　since　at　the　commencement　of　the　reign　of　her

present　Gracious　Majesty；　it　chanced　'on　a　fair　summer

evening；'　as　Mr。　James　would　say；　that　three　or　four

young　cavaliers　were　drinking　a　cup　of　wine　after　dinner

at　the　hostelry　called　the　'King's　Arms；'　kept　by

Mistress　Anderson；　in　the　royal　village　of　Kensington。

'Twas　a　balmy　evening；　and　the　wayfarers　looked　out　on　a

cheerful　scene。　　The　tall　elms　of　the　ancient　gardens

were　in　full　leaf；　and　countless　chariots　of　the　nobility

of　England　whirled　by　to　the　neighbouring　palace；　where

princely　Sussex　（whose　income　latterly　only　allowed　him

to　give　tea…parties）　entertained　his　royal　niece　at　a

state　banquet。　　When　the　caroches　of　the　nobles　had　set

down　their　owners　at　the　banquethall；　their　varlets　and

servitors　came　to　quaff　a　flagon　of　nut…brown　ale　in　the

'King's　Arms'　gardens　hard　by。　　We　watched　these　fellows

from　our　lattice。　　By　Saint　Boniface　'twas　a　rare　sight！



The　tulips　in　Mynheer　Van　Dunck's　gardens　were　not　more

gorgeous　than　the　liveries　of　these　pie…coated　retainers。

All　the　flowers　of　the　field　bloomed　in　their　ruffled

bosoms；　all　the　hues　of　the　rainbow　gleamed　in　their

plush　breeches；　and　the　long…caned　ones　walked　up　and

down　the　garden　with　that　charming　solemnity；　tha