the book of snobs-第11节

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rewards　them；　and　PUNCH；　the　universal　railer；　takes　off

his　hat　and；　says；　Heaven　save　them！







CHAPTER　XI



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS



After　Snobs…Military；　Snobs…Clerical　suggest　themselves

quite　naturally；　and　it　is　clear　that；　with　every　respect

for　the　cloth；　yet　having　a　regard　for　truth；　humanity；

and　the　British　public；　such　a　vast　and　influential　class

must　not　be　omitted　from　our　notices　of　the　great　Snob

world。



Of　these　Clerics　there　are　some　whose　claim　to

snobbishness　is　undoubted；　and　yet　it　cannot　be　discussed

here；　for　the　same　reason　that　PUNCH　would　not　set　up　his

show　in　a　Cathedral；　out　of　respect　for　the　solemn

service　celebrated　within。　　There　are　some　places　where

he　acknowledges　himself　not　privileged　to　make　a　noise；

and　puts　away　his　show；　and　silences　his　drum；　and　takes

off　his　hat；　and　holds　his　peace。



And　I　know　this；　that　if　there　are　some　Clerics　who　do

wrong；　there　are　straightway　a　thousand　newspapers　to

haul　up　those　unfortunates；　and　cry；　'Fie　upon　them；　fie

upon　them！'　while；　though　the　press　is　always　ready　to

yell　and　bellow　excommunication　against　these　stray

delinquent　parsons；　it　somehow　takes　very　little　count　of

the　many　good　onesof　the　tens　of　thousands　of　honest

men；　who　lead　Christian　lives；　who　give　to　the　poor

generously；　who　deny　themselves　rigidly；　and　live　and　die

in　their　duty；　without　ever　a　newspaper　paragraph　in

their　favour。　　My　beloved　friend　and　reader；　I　wish　you

and　I　could　do　the　same：　and　let　me　whisper　my　belief；

ENTRE　NOUS　that　of　those　eminent　philosophers　who　cry　out

against　parsons　the　loudest；　there　are　not　many　who　have

got　their　knowledge　of　the　church　by　going　thither　often。



But　you　who　have　ever　listened　to　village　bells；　or

walked　to　church　as　children　on　sunny　Sabbath　mornings；

you　who　have　ever　seen　the　parson's　wife　tending　the　poor

man's　bedside；　or　the　town　clergyman　threading　the　dirty

stairs　of　noxious　alleys　upon　his　business；do　not　raise

a　shout　when　one　falls　away；　or　yell　with　the　mob　that

howls　after　him。



Every　man　can　do　that。　　When　old　Father　Noah　was

overtaken　in　his　cups；　there　was　only　one　of　his　sons

that　dared　to　make　merry　at　his　disaster；　and　he　was　not

the　most　virtuous　of　the　family。　　Let　us　too　turn　away

silently；　nor　huzza　like　a　parcel　of　school…boys；　because

some　big　young　rebel　suddenly　starts　up　and　whops　the

schoolmaster。



I　confess；　though；　if　I　had　by　me　the　names　of　those

seven　or　eight　Irish　bishops；　the　probates　of　whose　wills

were　mentioned　in　last　year's　journals；　and　who　died

leaving　behind　them　some　two　hundred　thousand　a…pieceI

would　like　to　put　THEM　up　as　patrons　of　my　Clerical

Snobs；　and　operate　upon　them　as　successfully　as　I　see

from　the　newspapers　Mr。　Eisenberg；　Chiropodist；　has

lately　done　upon　'His　Grace　the　Reverend　Lord　Bishop　of

Tapioca。'



I　confess　that　when　those　Right　Reverend　Prelates　come　up

to　the　gates　of　Paradise　with　their　probates　of　wills　in

their　hands；　I　think　that　their　chance　is。。。。　　But　the

gates　of　Paradise　is　a　far　way　to　follow　their　Lordships；

so　let　us　trip　down　again　lest　awkward　questions　be　asked

there　about　our　own　favourite　vices　too。



And　don't　let　us　give　way　to　the　vulgar　prejudice；　that

clergymen　are　an　over…paid　and　luxurious　body　of　men。

When　that　eminent　ascetic；　the　late　Sydney　Smith（by　the

way；　by　what　law　of　nature　is　it　that　so　many　Smiths　in

this　world　are　called　Sydney　Smith？）lauded　the　system

of　great　prizes　in　the　Church；without　which　he　said

gentlemen　would　not　be　induced　to　follow　the　clerical

profession；　he　admitted　most　pathetically　that　the　clergy

in　general　were　by　no　means　to　be　envied　for　their

worldly　prosperity。　　From　reading　the　works　of　some

modern　writers　of　repute；　you　would　fancy　that　a　parson's

life　was　passed　in　gorging　himself　with　plum…pudding　and

port…wine；　and　that　his　Reverence's　fat　chaps　were　always

greasy　with　the　crackling　of　tithe　pigs。　　Caricaturists

delight　to　represent　him　so：　round；　short…necked；　pimple…

faced；　apoplectic；　bursting　out　of　waistcoat；　like　a

black…pudding；　a　shovel…hatted　fuzz…wigged　Silenus。

Whereas；　if　you　take　the　real　man；　the　poor　fellow's

flesh…pots　are　very　scantily　furnished　with　meat。　　He

labours　commonly　for　a　wage　that　a　tailor's　foreman　would

despise：　he　has；　too；　such　claims　upon　his　dismal　income

as　most　philosophers　would　rather　grumble　to　meet；　many

tithes　are　levied　upon　HIS　pocket；　let　it　be　remembered；

by　those　who　grudge　him　his　means　of　livelihood。　　He　has

to　dine　with　the　Squire：　and　his　wife　must　dress　neatly；

and　he　must　'look　like　a　gentleman；'　as　they　call　it；　and

bring　up　six　great　hungry　sons　as　such。　　Add　to　this；　if

he　does　his　duty；　he　has　such　temptations　to　spend　his

money　as　no　mortal　man　could　withstand。　　Yes；　you　who

can't　resist　purchasing　a　chest　of　cigars；　because　they

are　so　good；　or　an　ormolu　clock　at　Howell　and　James's；

because　it　is　such　a　bargain；　or　a　box　at　the　Opera；

because　Lablache　and　Grisi　are　divine　in　the　PURITANI；

fancy　how　difficult　it　is　for　a　parson　to　resist　spending

a　half…crown　when　John　Breakstone's　family　are　without　a

loaf；　or　'standing'　a　bottle　of　port　for　poor　old　Polly

Rabbits；　who　has　her　thirteenth　child；　or　treating

himself　to　a　suit　of　corduroys　for　little　Bob　Scarecrow；

whose　breeches　are　sadly　out　at　elbows。　　Think　of　these

temptations；　brother　moralists　and　philosophers；　and

don't　be　too　hard　on　the　parson。



But　what　is　this？　　Instead　of　'showing　up'　the　parsons；

are　we　indulging　in　maudlin　praises　of　that　monstrous

black…coated　race？　　O　saintly　Francis；　lying　at　rest

under　the　turf；　O　Jimmy；　and　Johnny；　and　Willy；　friends

of　my　youth！　　O　noble　and　dear　old　Elias！　how　should　he

who　knows　you　not　respect　you　and　your　calling？　　May　this

pen　never　write　a　pennyworth　again；　if　it　ever　casts

ridicule　upon　either！







CHAPTER　XII



ON　CLERICAL　SNOBS　AND　SNOBBISHNESS



'Dear　Mr。　Snob；'　an　amiable　young　correspondent　writes；

who　signs　himself　Snobling；　'ought　the　clergyman　who；　at

the　request　of　a　noble　Duke；　lately　interrupted　a

marriage　ceremony　between　two　persons　perfectly

authorised　to　marry；　to　be　ranked　or　not　among　the

Clerical　Snobs？'



This；　my　dear　young　friend；　is　not　a　fair　question。　　One

of　the　illustrated　weekly　papers　has　already　seized　hold

of　the　clergyman；　and　blackened　him　most　unmercifully；　by

representing　him　in　his　cassock　performing　the　marriage

service。　　Let　that　be　sufficient　punishment；　and；　if　you

please；　do　not　press　the　query。



It　is　very　likely　that　if　Miss　Smith　had　come　with　a

licence　to　marry　Jones；　the　parson　in　question；　not

seeing　old　Smith　present；　would　have　sent　off　the　beadle

in　a　cab　to　let　the　old　gentleman　know　what　was　going　on；

and　would　have　delayed　the　service　until　the　arrival　of

Smith　senior。　　He　very　likely　thinks　it　his　duty　to　ask

all　marriageable　young　ladies；　who　come　without　their

papa；　why　their　parent　is　absent；　and；　no　doubt；　ALWAYS

sends　off　the　beadle　for　that　missing　governor。



Or；　it　is　very　possible　that　the　Duke　of　Coeurdelion　was

Mr。　What…d'ye…call'im's　most　intimate　friend；　and　has

often　said　to　him；　'What…d'ye…call'im；　my　boy；　my

daughter　must　never　marry　the　Capting。　　If　ever　they　try

at　your　church；　I　beseech　you；　considering　the　terms　of

intimacy　on　which　we　are；　to　send　off　Rattan　in　a　hack

cab　to　fetch　me。'



In　either　of　which　cases；　you　see；　dear　Snobling；　that

though　the　parson　would　not　have　been　authorised；　yet　be

might　have　been　excused　for　interfering。　　　He　has　no　more

right　to　stop　my　marriage　than　to　stop　my　dinner；　to　both

of　which；　as　a　free…born　Briton；　I　am　entitled　by　law；　if

I　can　pay　for　them。　　But；　consider　pastoral　solicitude；　a

deep　sense　of　the　duties　of　his　office；　and　pardon　this

inconvenient；　but　genuine　zeal。



But　if　the　clergyman　did　in　the　Duke's　case　what　be　would

NOT　do　in　Smith's；　if　be　has　no　more　acquaintance　with

the　Coeurdelion　family　than　I　have　with　the　Royal　and

Serene　House　of　Saxe…Coburg　Gotha；THEN；　I　confess；　my

dear　Snobling；　your　question　might　elicit　a　disagreeable

reply；　and　one　which　I　respectfully　decline　to　give。　　I

wonder　what　Sir　George　Tufto　would　say；　if　a　sentry　left

his　post　because　a　noble　lord　（not　the　least　connected

with　the　service）　begged　the　sentinel　not　to　do　his　duty！



Alas！　that　the　beadle　who　canes　little　boys　and　drives

them　out；　cannot　drive　worldliness　out　too；　what　is

worldliness　but　snobbishness？　　When；　for　instance；　I　read

in　the　newspapers　that　the　Right　Reverend　the　Lord

Charles　James　administered　the　rite　of　confirmation　to　a

PARTY　OF　THE　JUVENILE　NOBILITY　at　the　Chapel　Royal；as

if　the　Chapel　Royal　were　a　sort　of　ecclesiastical

Almack's；　and　young　people　were　to　get　ready　for　the　next

world　in　little　exclusive　genteel　knots　of　the

aristocracy；　who　were　not　to　be　disturbe