brokeback mountain-第5节
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y could hear the river muttering and making a distant train sound a long way off。 Twenty minutes on they surprised a black bear on the bank above them rolling a log over for grubs and Jack's horse shied and reared； Jack saying 〃Wo！ Wo！〃 and Ennis's bay dancing and snorting but holding。 Jack reached for the 。30…。06 but there was no need； the startled bear galloped into the trees with the lumpish gait that made it seem it was falling apart。
The tea…colored river ran fast with snowmelt； a scarf of bubbles at every high rock； pools and setbacks streaming。 The ochre…branched willows swayed stiffly； pollened catkins like yellow thumbprints。 The horses drank and Jack dismounted； scooped icy water up in his hand； crystalline drops falling from his fingers； his mouth and chin glistening with wet。
〃Get beaver fever doin that；〃 said Ennis； then； 〃Good enough place；〃 looking at the level bench above the river； two or three fire…rings from old hunting camps。 A sloping meadow rose behind the bench； protected by a stand of lodgepole。 There was plenty of dry wood。 They set up camp without saying much； picketed the horses in the meadow。 Jack broke the seal on a bottle of whiskey； took a long； hot swallow； exhaled forcefully； said； 〃That's one a the two things I need right now；〃 capped and tossed it to Ennis。
On the third morning there were the clouds Ennis had expected； a grey racer out of the west； a bar of darkness driving wind before it and small flakes。 It faded after an hour into tender spring snow that heaped wet and heavy。 By nightfall it turned colder。 Jack and Ennis passed a joint back and forth； the fire burning late； Jack restless and *****ing about the cold； poking the flames with a stick； twisting the dial of the transistor radio until the batteries died。
Ennis said he'd been putting the blocks to a woman who worked part…time at the Wolf Ears bar in Signal where he was working now for Stoutamire's cow and calf outfit； but it wasn't going anywhere and she had some problems he didn't want。 Jack said he'd had a thing going with the wife of a rancher down the road in Childress and for the last few months he'd slank around expecting to get shot by Lureen or the husband； one。 Ennis laughed a little and said he probably deserved it。 Jack said he was doing all right but he missed Ennis bad enough sometimes to make him whip babies。
The horses nickered in the darkness beyond the fire's circle of light。 Ennis put his arm around Jack； pulled him close； said he saw his girls about once a month； Alma Jr。 a shy seventeen…year…old with his beanpole length； Francine a little live wire。 Jack slid his cold hand between Ennis's legs； said he was worried about his boy who was； no doubt about it； dyslexic or something； couldn't get anything right； fifteen years old and couldn't hardly read； he could see it though goddamn Lureen wouldn't admit to it and pretended the kid was o。k。； refused to get any *****in kind a help about it。 He didn't know what the **** the answer was。 Lureen had the money and called the shots。
〃I used a want a boy for a kid；〃 said Ennis； undoing buttons； 〃but just got little girls。〃〃I didn't want none a either kind；〃 said Jack。 〃But ****…all has worked the way I wanted。 Nothin never e to my hand the right way。〃 Without getting up he threw deadwood on the fire； the sparks flying up with their truths and lies； a few hot points of fire landing on their hands and faces； not for the first time； and they rolled down into the dirt。 One thing never changed： the brilliant charge of their infrequent couplings was darkened by the sense of time flying； never enough time； never enough。
A day or two later in the trailhead parking lot； horses loaded into the trailer； Ennis was ready to head back to Signal； Jack up to Lightning Flat to see the old man。 Ennis leaned into Jack's window； said what he'd been putting off the whole week； that likely he couldn't get away again until November after they'd shipped stock and before winter feeding started。
〃November。 What in hell happened a August？ Tell you what； we said August； nine； ten days。 Christ； Ennis！ Whyn't you tell me this before？ You had a ****in week to say some little word about it。 And why's it we're always in the friggin cold weather？ We ought a do somethin。 We ought a go south。 We ought a go to Mexico one day。〃〃Mexico？ Jack； you know me。 All the travelin I ever done is goin around the coffeepot lookin for the handle。 And I'll be runnin the baler all August； that's what's the matter with August。 Lighten up； Jack。 We can hunt in November； kill a nice elk。 Try if I can get Don Wroe's cabin again。 We had a good time that year。〃〃You know； friend； this is a goddamn ***** of a unsatisfactory situation。 You used a e away easy。 It's like seein the pope now。〃〃Jack； I got a work。 Them earlier days I used a quit the jobs。 You got a wife with money； a good job。 You forget how it is bein broke all the time。 You ever hear a child support？ I been payin out for years and got more to go。 Let me tell you； I can't quit this one。 And I can't get the time off。 It was tough gettin this time some a them late heifers is still calvin。 You don't leave then。 You don't。 Stoutamire is a hell…raiser and he raised hell about me takin the week。 I don't blame him。 He probly ain't got a night's sleep since I left。 The trade…off was August。 You got a better idea？〃〃I did once。〃 The tone was bitter and accusatory。
Ennis said nothing； straightened up slowly； rubbed at his forehead； a horse stamped inside the trailer。 He walked to his truck； put his hand on the trailer； said something that only the horses could hear； turned and walked back at a deliberate pace。
〃You been a Mexico； Jack？〃 Mexico was the place。 He'd heard。 He was cutting fence now； trespassing in the shoot…em zone。
〃Hell yes； I been。 Where's the ****in problem？〃 Braced for it all these years and here it came； late and unexpected。
〃I got a say this to you one time； Jack； and I ain't foolin。 What I don't know；〃 said Ennis； 〃all them things I don't know could get you killed if I should e to know them。〃〃Try this one；〃 said Jack； 〃and I'll say it just one time。 Tell you what； we could a had a good life together； a ****in real good life。 You wouldn't do it； Ennis； so what we got now is Brokeback Mountain。 Everthing built on that。 It's all we got； boy； ****in all； so I hope you know that if you don't never know the rest。 Count the damn few times we been together in twenty years。 Measure the ****in short leash you keep me on； then ask me about Mexico and then tell me you'll kill me for needin it and not hardly never gettin it。 You got no ****in idea how bad it gets。 I'm not you。 I can't make it on a couple a high…altitude ****s once or twice a year。 You're too much for me； Ennis； you son of a whoreson *****。 I wish I knew how to quit you。〃Like vast clouds of steam from thermal springs in winter the years of things unsaid and now unsayable admissions； declarations； shames； guilts； fears rose around them。 Ennis stood as if heart…shot； face grey and deep…lined； grimacing； eyes screwed shut； fists clenched； legs caving； hit the ground on his knees。
〃Jesus；〃 said Jack。 〃Ennis？〃 But before he was out of the truck； trying to guess if it was heart attack or the overflow of an incendiary rage； Ennis was back on his feet and somehow； as a coat hanger is straightened to open a locked car and then bent again to its original shape； they torqued things almost to where they had been； for what they'd said was no news。 Nothing ended； nothing begun； nothing resolved。
What Jack remembered and craved in a way he could neither help nor understand was the time that distant summer on Brokeback when Ennis had e up behind him and pulled him close； the silent embrace satisfying some shared and sexless hunger。
They had stood that way for a long time in front of the fire； its burning tossing ruddy chunks of light； the shadow of their bodies a single column against the rock。 The minutes ticked by from the round watch in Ennis's pocket； from the sticks in the fire settling into coals。 Stars bit through the wavy heat layers above the fire。 Ennis's breath came slow and quiet； he hummed； rocked a little in the sparklight and Jack leaned against the steady heartbeat； the vibrations of the humming like faint electricity and； standing； he fell into sleep that was not sleep but something else drowsy and tranced until Ennis； dredging up a rusty but still useable phrase from the childhood time before his mother died； said； 〃Time to hit the hay； cowboy。 I got a go。 e on； you're sleepin on your feet like a horse；〃 and gave Jack a shake； a push； and went off in the darkness。 Jack heard his spurs tremble as he mounted； the words 〃see you tomorrow；〃 and the horse's shuddering snort； grind of hoof on stone。
Later； that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless； charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives。 Nothing marred it； even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see nor feel that it was Jack he held。 And maybe； he thought； they'd never got much farther than that。 Let be； let be。
Ennis didn't know about the accident
